


Lie Here [Tyrus]

by AnDimAcK_cRaCk



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Gay Relationship, Cyrus Goodman Needs a Hug, Gay Cyrus Goodman, Gay T. J. Kippen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Cyrus Goodman, Sad Cyrus Goodman, Tyrus Week (Andi Mack)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:20:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22210939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnDimAcK_cRaCk/pseuds/AnDimAcK_cRaCk
Summary: "Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"Cyrus has been shutting the people in his life for almost a year. Trapped in grief and self blame he feels hopeless like he won't recover. He learns he's not alone and just how grief had affected everybody else.T/W- major death character, suicide
Relationships: Cyrus Goodman & T. J. Kippen, Cyrus Goodman/T. J. Kippen
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	1. Prologue

_Dear_ _friend,_

_If_ _I_ _can_ _even_ _call_ _you_ _that_ _. Not_ _that_ _I_ _hate_ _you because_ _I'm_ _the_ _one_ _that_ _you_ _probably_ _hate_ _right_ _now_ _._ _You_ _may feel_ _confused_ _devastated guilty perhaps but_ _I'm_ _telling you_ _that_ _you really shouldn't._

_I_ _haven't_ _got much of a right to assume_ _what_ _your_ _feeling_ _well_ _I'm_ _no longer around_ _so_ _it's_ _not like_ _I'll_ _get told off for_ _it_ _._

_I read_ _somewhere_ _that_ _our_ _skin renews_ _its_ _cells_ _every_ _two weeks meaning in two weeks your skin_ _won't_ _know my touch when_ _I_ _try_ _to_ _comfort you and_ _it_ _won't_ _know the warmth_ _I_ _hope_ _you_ _feel when we_ _share_ _a hug. But_ _I_ _know_ _your_ _brain_ _will remember._

_It must be pretty_ _irritating_ _having too_ _see_ _reminders of me or_ _people_ _giving sympathetic_ _looks_ _._ _Now_ _you understand how_ _I_ _felt you know_ _they_ _mean well but_ _you_ _feel smothered like_ _you're_ _choking then_ _again_ _I'm_ _not unfamiliar with_ _that_ _feeling either._

_Im sorry_ _really_ _I_ _am. It_ _won't_ _help now but_ _I'm_ _the_ _long_ _run_ _maybe_ _you'll_ _understand or at least try too_ _I'd_ _appreciate it._ _My_ _life_ _isn't_ _like yours. Lives are like games of chess the_ _game_ _is bullshit and none of us_ _know_ _how to play._

_My friend_ _I_ _lost_ _but_ _I_ _know_ _you'll_ _win_ _I_ _have hope something_ _I_ _hadn't_ _felt up until the last day._ _Sorry_ _again._

_JB x_


	2. 6 months of shock

Greif.

The dictionary defines greif as intense sorrow. Ecspecially caused by someone's death. But that's not entirely true. Because no one grieves over just a random person or a 'someone'. They grieve over a close someone. A someone that they relied on. A special someone that died.

Someone special did.

I still remember the confusion I felt when he didn't turn up. The worry I felt when I walked through the door to see my parents distressed and his parents barley containing their emotions as they broke the news to me. The utter disbelief I felt as the words went through my ears and the pain of my heart breaking as it sunk in. I still feel all of it most days all at once and it's been half a year already. My dad said it's normal apart of grieving. There are 5 stages:

1.Shock/denial

2.anger

3.bargaining

4.depression

5.acceptance/hope

I know I'm still at stage one most days I wake up and the sun is peaking through my curtains it's peaceful and I hear birds it feels calm as if nothing happened but then I realise he hasn't sent me a good morning text. He won't be waiting for me outside my door to walk to school and he won't be there to crack jokes in history, hang out at the spoon afterwards or anything. I'll never see him again.

"Cyrus honey, can I come in?"

"Yeah mom" My door opened slowly I was greeted with a sympathetic smile. She knew what today was. I noticed the white tuplis in her hands.

"How are you today?" She stroked my head sitting on my bed. I just shrugged not looking up.

"These were at the door for you" she handed the flowers over

"From who?"

"I don't know they knocked and ran I guess" she spoke softly.

There was a card attached read: I'm so sorry I'm here for you I don't just miss him I miss you too.

"Their nice I think I'll take these to the um-" I stood up quickly

"Cyrus this the third bouquet of flowers you've gotten since-" she cut me off

"I know" I rolled my eyes

"Hey come on now keep them or at least go with someone" she said rubbing my arms

"I'm okay mom really" I smiled.

I know this was likely to just be me caught up in greif or something but it feels like there's one less smile in the world I know it's just some cliche people say when they lose someone but with him it feels real. The world lost a ray of sunlight. I feel bad for those that'll never get to meet him. Know him like I did. Love him like I did. I arrived taking a deep breath and kneeling down. I shakily placed the flowers. Running my fingers across his name closing my eyes. Sometimes when I listen really hard I can hear his voice call me crazy sure but it remind me of him. Helps me remember the sound of his voice

_"Dude don't put yourself down like that"_

_"I never realised how much I needed a friend like you"_

_"I'm so proud of you Cyrus"_

_"Your my best friend man I'm here"_

I guess he didn't mean that last one. Or did he? I don't know it wasn't his fault he died it was mine.

_"See ya later Cy"_

I opened my eyes expecting him to be there for some reason but I knew he wouldn't be deep down.

"See you later Jonah"

I turned round to be greeted with a familiar face one just as melancholic as mine.

"So you come here a lot too?"


	3. Thinking bout you

"I do um... I had no i-idea you did" I stammered

"It's...calming I can just sit here and remember him"

His eyes were hazel in the sunlight he looked down at the grave in remorse sitting at the foot of it taking out a note pad and pencil

"I had no idea you were so close with him?" I pressed

"Yeah...well there was a lot less tension between us as time went on at first he was just great company but then he... began to mean so much more to me" his voice quivered slightly

"Anyways enough about me I hear you haven't been doing so well I can't imagine what you're going though you were closer to him than any of us" the boy sympathized

"You...y-you heard?"

"Jonah's passing has brought me and your friends closer together they told me a lot of things" he smiled

"Oh... yeah w-well I'd rather not talk about it" I said hastily turning away

"Wait"

He tore the page in his note pad handing it too me it was a very detailed sketch of him I smiled gratefully.

"Thank you Walker"

"Take care Cyrus"

Walking down the road I unfolded the picture eyeing the greatly defined jawline the deep dimples in his once perfect smile in the corner I noticed a small message.

_You're not alone in this, I'm here to talk_

_123-456-789_

I shook my head closing it continuing my walk home.

**\--------------**

A lot of people think that day time is great. It is your time to be productive. But I've always considered myself as more a night time person. Night can be just as great as the day time the stars are bright people are relaxed and night is an opportunity to have fun. Night can be an escape from the day time.

At least I used to think this way. Now night specifically bed time is the moment I dread. I know I sound like a little kid but it was the last time I spoke to him. It brings up emotions.

 _"Hey Jo_ _I_ _was_ _just_ _calling to check up on you why_ _didn't_ _you_ _come tonight"_ _I_ _stated into my phone_

_"O-oh hey_ _I_ _um..._ _wasn't_ _feeling well" he_ _said_ _barley going over a whisper_

_"Alright well_ _I'll_ _still see_ _you_ _tommorow right?" I_ _said_ _happily_

_"Er...goodnight Cyrus"_

_"Oh_ _night_ _then"_ _I_ _said_ _taking_ _a mental note that he dodged my_ _question_

_"I love you I-i-i mean_ _your_ _like my best friend" he stuttered_

_"Aw love_ _you_ _too"_

God I've never felt more stupid, naive if hadn't been so ignorant I... I don't know I would of tried to change things. My bed felt cold as I wiped my eyes clear of the flow of tears down my cheeks. What I'd give for one text or call to here his voice just for a- 

**[** **Incoming** **call from Tj💙]**

Not who I was expecting exactly but I didn't know I could do that. Tj? I haven't spoken to him in a while not since the funeral I haven't spoken to Andi or Buffy since the weekend after. We did not end on good terms with each other. But I don't think there's any chance of reviving that friendship. I waited cautiously as if he would jump out the screen. It eventually stopped ringing I sighed relieved.

**[Incoming call from Tj💙]**

Again he's really desperate but why now? After all these months what made now so important? My hands shaking uncontrollably I wiped the sweat forming on my palms and swiped my thumb accepting the call 

**"Hello Tj"**

**"Cyrus...Hey"**

**"How are you?"**

**"Er...** **fine** **well as fine as** **it** **gets** **these** **days"**

I felt bad listening to the tiredness in his voice it must be tough comforting Andi and Buffy alone.

**"Oh well listen-"**

**"I** **miss** **you"**

My heart kind of fluttered at that like it was coming back to life but I didn't let it show in my voice I'm not falling for Tj. Before Jonah's passing I may of felt something towards him but I don't anymore I'm afraid I can't have someone important to me leave me again. 

**"The girls miss** **you** **and** **I** **think about you... a-a lot I feel** **awful** **for not being there for you and-"**

**"Tj look** **I'm** **just** **not** **sure** **I'm** **ready** **to go** **back** **to** **normal** **I** **can't** **move** **on** **as** **easy** **you** **guys** **have** **"**

**"No** **one's** **asking** **you** **to pretend** **nothing** **happened were** **just** **asking you to come back"**

I was trapped in my thoughts for a few minutes I didn't know what to do it wouldn't be easy to get back to the life I had before I've been taking online classes and emailing my teacher's just so I could finish middle school soon mid terms will come up and I'll be in high school. 

**"Please Cy we can** **start** **small come to** **the** **spoon** **tommorow** **I'll** **be there and if you really** **can't** **put up with it we'll understand"**

**"Okay"**

**"Okay? Great see you"**

I hung up quickly putting the phone down. The truth is I do miss my best friends but something inside me makes me feel guilty for wanting to move on like I'm forgetting Jonah people might say it's the burden like I can't let go of my past.

But I truly don't know how too.


	4. It's my fault

_"H-hey how are you_ _doing_ _?" A_ _voice_ _from behind me_ _stuttered_

_"How do you think?" I said bitterly my voice quivering._

_The droplets of rain landed on_ _my_ _shoulders also dampening my hair but_ _I_ _could_ _only_ _focus on_ _one_ _thing_ _._ _Looking_ _at_ _it made_ _me_ _feel sick and guilty_ _that_ _it_ _wasn't_ _me. He_ _removed_ _his dark jacket to reveal a grey waistcoat draping it around my shoulders._

 _"Listen you_ _probably_ _wanna be_ _alone_ _right_ _now_ _but_ _we're_ _going_ _to_ _the_ _spoon_ _Amber closed it_ _so_ _we can_ _just_ _toast_ _to_ _him_ _I_ _guess_ _it'll_ _be_ _nice_ _" He put a hand on my shoulder._

 _"You're right_ _I_ _do wanna be_ _alone_ _"_ _I_ _tried_ _to_ _remove his_ _jacket_ _to give_ _it_ _back but he shook his head._

_"Keep it_ _I'll_ _see you"_

**_******_ **

I actually forgot what the spoon was like.

Before every thing went down six months ago I would go to the spoon every weekend or after school to the point it was bad for my metabolism. I don't why I did but I just stopped. But every thing was the same. Sights, smells that's waitresses the cash register I don't even think the chime of the bell has differed over the years. That's what I love about this place it just feels...Normal.

"Cyrus over here" Tj waved at me showing his dazzling smile that made me want to smile but I kept a stone expression taking a seat opposite.

"I'm glad you made it" He spoke softly sounding like silk. "I ordered baby taters and a strawberry milkshake how you like it"

"You remembered?" I said in disbelief

"W-well i-i just remember you liked to order them b-before... um-"

"Cyrus?... Cyrus!"

I turned to see which direction my name was being called to see Amber running out from behind the counter towards my booth I stood to greet her only to be crushed in a bear hug.

"I missed you... a lot" she admitted tucking her hair behind her ear as she pulled away

"I missed you too" I said admittedly

"How are you?" She asked taking a seat next to her brother.

"I'm alright I guess it's nice to be out"

"That's the spirit" she smiled "Hey does it mean you'll be going to Grant next academic year?" She asked hopefully

"I... don't know yet" I told her

"Amber..." Tj spoke in a warning tone

"Please Cy I'll be there I mean I'll be a senior but you'll enjoy it Buffy will be there and think of all the art presentations we'll get to watch Andi do at SAVA" She blabbed. I looked down in shame.

"Amber shut up" Tj said clenching his teeth.

"What... oh have I touched a nerve?" She said apologetically

I kept my looking at my shoes. I felt ashamed for the irrational way I acted towards my best friends that I've known since I was 7 that have been there when my parents got divorced. been there when I came out. Even tried to be there after Jonah died

I feel sick thinking about how I treated them.

"Cyrus I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you" Amber said her eyes pleading for forgiveness

"It's fine I'm alright it was my fault" Tj came over putting an arm around me.

"No it isn't you were all going through a tough time the funeral had just happened it was still I pretty big shock and you took it the hardest don't completely blame yourself" He comforted forcing a smile from me because how could you not smile at that?

"Hey I got him smile" he joked I laughed lightly

"And I got him to laugh I'm on a roll and you alway say your the funnier Kippen" he said his face all smug

"People just think your funny because they're laughing at you" Amber sassed

"Please if they were laughing at me you would've beaten them up" Tj said

"Well no one is allowed to laugh at you but me" she smiled. I think they're my favourite siblings ever.

Amber's phone buzzed she took it out her pocket her eyes widening. She looked up at me.

"Cyrus maybe you could get the order to go I'll box it up for you and Tj and can take you to the mall or something" she said looking scared all of a sudden

"I don't have enough money for the mall" Tj informed

"I'll give you money just get Cyrus outta here" she said irritated

"Amber what's wrong?" I asked

"Okay Andi texted that she's on her way with Buffy and they're coming cloud 10 so they might walk in any seco-"

before Amber could finish her sentence the bell chimed welcoming my two old friends. They're mouths dropping open upon seeing me bringing back some unpleasant memories

 _They_ _gasped_ _in_ _shock at the words that came out_ _my_ _mouth_ _I_ _paced in my bedroom_ _angrily_ _wanting them to_ _leave_

 _"_ _Cyrus_ _why_ _would_ _you say_ _that_ _?"_ _Buffy_ _questioned_ _almost_ _shouting_

 _"Yeah that it's our_ _fault_ _we already_ _told_ _you_ _no_ _one_ _is to bla-" Andi started_

_"_ _Well_ _who's fucking fault is it then? Huh? Tell me!"_ _They_ _remained_ _silent_

_"Nobody's"_ _Buffy_ _said_ _in a calming_ _voice_

_"Just go"_

_"Cy-"_

_"_ _No_ _Andi go j-just get out_ _I_ _don't_ _need either of_ _you_ _"_ _I_ _shouted_

 _"Fine be_ _like_ _that_ _don't_ _cry_ _to_ _us when you_ _really_ _need_ _someone_ _"_ _I_ _didn't_ _need to_ _look_ _at_ _Buffy_ _to_ _know she was_ _crying_ _you_ _could hear_ _it_ _in_ _her voice._

 _I heard my door slam in_ _frustration_ _I_ _pounded my_ _mattress_ _buring my face into my pillow as_ _the_ _tears fell._

_I lost my best friends it was all_ _my_ _fault._

**********

"Cyrus...hey" Andi started

"Hey..." 


	5. You can count on me

"Hey..." I uttered quietly

"I'm gonna get back to work" Amber announced quickly walking away from the scene.

"Look guys I understand if-"

"No Cyrus look this has been going on for too long we know you we're hurting we we're too but Jonah wouldn't want us fighting anyways you're our best friend we love you" Andi said putting her hands on my shoulders.

She's my best friend but she changed a little in appearance her hair was longer. She wore more makeup than usual. Her clothes were more retro I guess is the only way to describe it. Buffy on the other hand didn't look much different her hair still curly a little shorter and her whole outfit was dark colours.

"I want to be friends again I feel horrible I do" Andi smiled pulling me into a hug I hug tightly back. Once we parted I looked up at Buffy

"I-I don't know you really hurt my feelings Cyrus I wanted to help but you made it hard" Buffy said blankly

"I deserve that" I said nodding

"But... Andi's right Jonah would want us to get along and move on with life so I'll try forgiving you but I can't pretend everything's normal you'll have to be patient" She said inching closer I could of sworn her eyes were welling up

"Okay yes thank you so much this means a lot and I'm sorry a-again" I stuttered my eyes also filling with tears.

We remained making awkward eye contact every now and again until we looked deeply into each other's eyes seeing the hurt we all felt how much we were all aching for one another Buffy let her tears flow freely letting out a powerful sob diving into my arms burying her face in my shoulder. I clung on tightly letting my tears run down my cheeks taking in the familiar scent of her hair.

"W-well don't leave me out" Andi said pushing down the hurt in her voice wrapping her arms around the both of us.

"I-it hurts" I whispered

"I know but it hurt even more not having you around... Cy I thought I lost my best friend" Buffy muffled into my shoulder

"Never I love you too much I always want to be friends with you and Andi" she smiled as we pulled away recalling the first time I said those words.

"Here are your baby taters and- is every thing alright?" Amber asked concern raised in her voice.

"For the first time in six months I think it... it might be" I said Buffy and Andi squeezing my hands.

 *******  
I exited the spoon a little while later the girls promising to text me when they get home. I felt a tap on my shoulder I turned to see an out of breath Tj.

"H-hey can I walk with you I need to talk to you about um... something" he asked nervously.

"Sure" I shrugged my heart beating as he patted my shoulder

**_Ba boom ba boom ba boom_ **

Deep breath Cyrus don't do this to yourself you know most of things he does for you is probably out of sympathy anyways. We wandered to the park Tj's smile grew bigger as he turned to me.

"Hey race you too the swings?"

He claimed darting off in the direction of the playground I tried running after him but he saw I was struggling so he ran back taking my hand pulling me towards the swings. His hand was soft fitting perfectly in mine.

_**Ba boom ba boom ba boom** _

My heart got louder it must be registering on my face now as I feel it turning red. We sat next to each other on the swings gently going back and fourth.

"So er... I needed to ask you something"

"O-of course anything" I reassured

"Well you know we are about to go into high school but my math grades are below average of course you know why and if I don't do well I... I don't know I basically need a tutor Buffy offered but I thought you may help me understand better"

"I see..." I whispered taking in the infomation

"It would require you coming back to school which I totally understand if you're not ready for it I just thought it would be nice to spend time with you again" be admitted his eyes meeting mine.

"I'll do it for sure I mean were about to take our exams I should be in school I'll be happy to tutor you"

"Great but are you sure?"

I did wanna help him but I feel silly like I have some kind of chance with him why would anyone set themselves up for a broken heart.

"You can count on me" I smiled 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See it's not all sad but wait till y'all see what I got planned hehe *rubs hands together*


	6. Daydreamin™

Jefferson hadn't changed all that much. Other than the fact that everyone was acting like I myself had risen from the dead. I nervously fiddled with my selves keeping my head down and books close to my chest as I arrived at my locker I opened it shoving my things inside my locker once I closed it I jumped a little upon seeing Tj leaning against it with Andi and Buffy trailing behind

"Welcome back thanks for coming just for me it means a lot"

"Sure it's alright I mean we're about to graduate after all plus it's you any ways"

I accidently said that out loud I went red but Tj smiled I sighed relived he didn't take it the wrong way my eyes wondered to a picture on the wall it was of Jonah underneath it I saw engraved on the frame _"_ _The_ _sun in_ _our_ _smiles was taken away reach_ _out_ _break the_ _stigma_ _"_

"When did they...?" I questioned

"A couple weeks after the funeral" Andi answered

"What does it mean exactly" I asked again

"Well it's just telling students to not suffer in silence you know since-" Tj started but Buffy cut him off giving him a knowing look

"Since people have been grieving pretty badly around here" she nervously finished off.

Weird

*******

I waited in the library for around 10 minutes I was early to be fair but I began to fear Tj wasn't going to show up I mean he had to was stressing to me how worried he was about his math final there's no way he'd flake on me-

"Hey sorry I'm late I was getting this for you as a thank you" he slid over a small paper bag I looked inside a smile growing on his face.

"Chocolate chocolate chip muffin?" I laughed

"From scary basketball guy" he beamed.

"So where would you like to start?" I questioned

"Um I'm having a hard time with collecting like terms I just don't get it" his face seemed frustrated and upset

"Well it's not so bad once you get the hang of it and you will don't worry... look this equation 4t+6t will go together to create 10t and then 5c+5c will make 10c which will come too 10t+10c"

I met Tj's eyes with mine he rested his chin on the palm of his hand looking at me with soft eyes I waved a hand in front of his face

"You understand? Or did I make it confusing?" I asked

"N-no I don't know you kinda draw attention away from math very easily" call me crazy but he blushed a little.

"At least I know I'm more interesting than a few equations" I laughed he pointed at the paper smiling

"Look our initials" he pointed out I looked down

_10t+10c_

Coincidence or fate?

"Yeah you're right" I breathed out turning red

I was hoping it would lead to some kind of fate.

*******

Tj handled the rest of the session pretty well aside from the few slightly flirty jokes and math puns but he had gotten really good at the equations.

"You did really well today" I complimented

"No it was you for being patient with me even though I'm slow" he smiled sadly

"Tj you are not slow you have a different thinking process besides you were able to pick that up with the right guidance"

"Yeah because you're right for me" he muttered but I playfully shoved it off trying to hide my growing smile.

"Oh hey um Buffy wanted me to tell you that she's hosting a sleepover on Friday since her parents are going out of town to visit her grandad you wanna? I'm gonna be their" he said but quickly started rambling

"E-er well only come if you want to but just because of me you might not want to come because of me b-but that's your decision... there's gonna be baby taters" I found his stumbling cute

"I'll come for you and the baby taters... and our friends of course but mainly yo-... y-our b-baby taters because Amber will probably bring them" I said quickly saving the conversation.

"Right bye Cyrus" he said walking away but then turning once more to glance in my direction.

I cannot wait till Friday.


	7. Said our goodbyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Suicide mentions

**⚠️T/W-disscution of Suicide**

From the sounds of laughter and what could only be Andi's party spotify playlist the sleepover at Buffy's had truly begun only I smiled upon seeing the blonde sitting on the porch he appeared to have been waiting for me.

"H-hi" I hated the fact that I stuttered he seemed unfazed

"Hey I'm glad you made it but I did want to check in if you are okay with ya know this... the past few weeks have moved pretty fast coming back too school and getting closer to finals"

"I'm doing fine and it's sweet your checking up on me" I gave him a knowing smile he simply ducked his head blushing.

He walked in and Andi, Buffy and Amber all came into view and Walker came walking out the kitchen

"Oh good to see you here Cyrus" Walker said giving me a side hug

"It's nice to be here" I beamed

We set our stuff on the ground and Amber and Tj ended up in a dispute about where to sleep

"I want to sleep there and you have to let me because I'm older" Amber sassed

"Only by a few years and I'm bigger than you in height" Tj argued

"Whatever it's closer to the kitchen door and you know I like a midnight snack" Amber pointed out

"Who cares it's the only space next to Cyrus" my mouth opened a little shocked

"Oh yeah and why do you wanna be next to Cyrus so bad" Amber smirked crossing her arms

"I-i just if I sleep over on Buffy's side I'll be the first get hurt if someone breaks in or something since she's closer the front door" he jumbled turning red

"Mmhmm nice save" Amber said

"I'm sick of you two Tj take my space so you're next to Cyrus and Amber can be near the kitchen" Buffy huffed the siblings glared at each other.

"Okay now that's done should we play a game?" Andi said

"Truth or dare?" Walker suggested

"No nothing good ever come out of that" Amber mentioned

"She has a point actually... hmm scratch the game we should watch a movie" Andi suggested instead when Tj's phone rang

"Oh I better take this I'll be back" he stood up to take the call.

"It's probably AFSP they've been non-stop calling him all week" Amber commented

"Why?" I asked "Aren't they a suicide prevention charity?"

"Yes Tj raised a lot of money for them ya know because-" Amber started to be cut off by Buffy

"Let's not get bogged down in details... what movie should w-we watch?" She stuttered playing with her hair I knew exactly what that meant

"What are you hiding?" I quizzed

"N-nothing" she said a little too quickly

"Amber what we're you going to say before Buffy cut you off?" I asked getting a little irritated

"W-well I was just saying since Jonah passed Tj was inspired to raise money in aid of mental health and suicide prevention..." she cut herself off seeing Buffy and Andi signalling for her to stop.

"I don't understa-" the air was knocked out of my lungs at the realisation the room went dead silent.

Tj came back in smiling but it quickly faded seeing everyone's grimace expressions.

"What's up?" He asked concerned I got right up to his face

"Tell me the truth Tj" I said sternly

"What do you mean?"

"Cyrus we were protecting your feelings-" Andi said weakly

"No I'm tired of people treating me like I'm 5 tell me the truth Tj... h-how did Jonah d-die?"

I stared into his deep pale blue eyes that had panic and pain written in them a longing expression that I've seen before and worn before.

"Look Cyrus I don't know what they told you but we just figured it was best you didn't know" He said calmly

"Bullshit! That's bullshit and you know it I spent 6 months convincing myself that it wasn't my fault I couldn't have known that Jonah was gonna die but it was Jonah needed a friend I couldn't be there for him... DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL?!" Tj's bottom lip quivered as he hung his head low.

"Cyrus i-it's been hard on all of us okay we... we we're gonna tell you" Walker uttered quietly.

"We are sorry please..." I felt déjà vu seeing Buffy with tears in her eyes begging for me to not get angry but I couldn't ignore it this time

"Did you know? ... DID YOU?!" I bellowed

"Of course not I had no way of knowing none of us not even you Cyrus you can't beat yourself up you're not to blame" Tj said latching onto my wrist

"Oh r-really then who is?" I asked my eyes filling up with tears

He opened his mouth wanting to say something but he only made suppressed small noises the tear drops now falling from his eyes.

"Y-yeah that's what I thought"

With that I picked up my things in a hurry leaving quicker than I'd left anywhere before with all 5 of my friends calling my name as I sped down the dismal pavement.

I felt sick. Like re-living the moment I found out exactly the pain was unbearable it was the day I knew life would never be the same.

 _I shivered upon entering my house plopping my bag down next to_ _the_ _door_ _and taking off_ _my_ _shoes_ _. I walked_ _into_ _the kitchen_ _seeing_ _my_ _step_ _dad and my mom_ _pale_ _faced_ _and_ _..._ _Jonah's_ _parents_ _his mom_ _puffy_ _eyed and his dad holding back the tears_ _that_ _threatened to make an_ _appearance_

 _"Oh hello"_ _I_ _played_ _off_ _like the_ _obvious_ _depression_ _in_ _the room_ _wasn't_ _visible_ _"Is_ _everything_ _alright?"_

 _"Cyrus_ _honey_ _I_ _think_ _you_ _better_ _sit down" my mom said_ _slowly_ _I sat on a stool leaning on_ _the_ _work top_

 _"C-cyrus um... you probably noticed_ _Jonah_ _wasn't_ _in school_ _today_ _"_ _Jonah's_ _dad started his_ _mother_ _already_ _had_ _tear_ _drops_ _running_ _down_ _her_ _face_

 _"Yes is he_ _okay_ _?" I_ _said_ _fearing_ _the_ _worst_ _my mom_ _took_ _my hand_ _looking_ _into_ _my eyes_

 _"_ _Cyrus_ _baby he... uh_ _very_ _sadly_ _passed_ _away_ _this_ _morning_ _."_

 _I heard_ _nothing_ _else_ _from_ _that_ _point_ _I_ _felt_ _my blood go_ _cold_ _and face turn the colour of_ _paper_ _my_ _vision_ _blurred_ _clouded with pain and heart ache_ _my_ _mom and_ _step_ _dad faintly calling out_ _to_ _me_ _but_ _I_ _was_ _unresponsive_ _._

_I_ _felt_ _numb,_ _empty_ _._

_I felt nothing._

My step dad took my into his office shortly after I complained I felt a stabbing pain in my chest he asked me to rate the pain from 1-10 I told him 10 he said it was psychological suffering from a great loss but that pain was a 9 because now I know I had the chance to save Jonah and I didn't.

This pain is worse. My number 10.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyoo thanks for reading I hope it was okay:) in no way do I intend to trigger people with these AFSP is the American foundation of suicide prevention please look after yourselves mind body and soul I love you 💙


	8. You're not alone

_I felt_ _something_ _warm pressed up_ _against_ _my side_ _but_ _at the_ _same_ _time it was_ _like_ _I_ _couldn't_ _feel it as_ _if_ _it was a_ _presence_ _and_ _nothing_ _more_ _I_ _couldn't_ _open my_ _eyes_ _to see either I just lay_ _there_ _with_ _someone_ _next_ _to me_

_"What are_ _you_ _doing?"_

_"What?"_

_"This_ _isn't_ _you_ _your_ _letting_ _me hold you back"_

 _"I_ _don't_ _know_ _who_ _I_ _am anymore_ _I_ _need_ _you i-i need_ _you_ _back_ _"_

_"We_ _both_ _know_ _that's_ _not gonna happen"_

_"_ _Can't_ _I_ _join you?"_

 _"No I'd never_ _forgive_ _you_ _or myself if you did you may_ _not_ _realise_ _it_ _yet_ _but_ _you're_ _fine_ _where_ _you_ are"

 _"Your probably right_ _I'm_ _just_ _not ready_ _to_ _realise it"_

 _The presence_ _next_ _to me went away_ _I_ _felt_ _a shiver run through_ _my_ _body as_ _I_ _was finally able to_ _open_ _my_ _eyes_ _but_ _they_ _were long gone._

 *******  
My whole body was sweating as I shot up from my bed taking short slightly laboured breaths I noticed my mom in the door way. She walked up slowly.

"Hey you were just dreaming it's okay"

She pushed a small peice of my hair that had fallen forward as I calmed myself down.

"Sweetie what happened last night? You called me in tears to come pick you up and then you just passed out in the car"

Tears burned in my eyes remembering the words that were said the things I did. I was mad at them for keeping this from me. I was mad they were treating me like a baby that burst into tears at any second. I was mad that I pushed my only friends away.

I was mad at myself.

"J-Jonah didn't just die he er..." she hushed me

"I know sweetie"

"You knew why wouldn't tell me I'm not some baby that needs to be protected from the truth" I protested she took my hand

"Cyrus you were hurting so much already I didn't want to make if worse because I knew you would blame yourself"

"It's not fair though because of this everyone else has moved on but now it feels like I'm back right were it started You wouldn't understand" I snapped taking my hand away.

My mom huffed putting a hand on my shoulder

"Sweetie don't you think the others are hurting just as much as you?" She asked I just shrugged

"They care about you Cyrus please you should try and understand them"

With that she left my room I groaned loudly shoving my head into my pillow.

**Hey.**

**Er...** **hi** **sorry** **I'm** **just confused why** **you're** **talking** **to** **me**

**Someone needs to talk to you meet me at the spoon in a few minutes**

**Um i-**

**You** **don't** have a **choice** **Cyrus**

**Okay** **okay** **I'll** **be there**

*******

I tapped my fingers nervously waiting for the person I received the phone call from I have to admit it was so sudden i didn't expect it. In fact this is the last person I ever thought I'd hear from again. 

"Cyrus?" I turned to see her smiling at me 

"Iris hi" 

She sat opposite me I fiddle with my fingers looking at the table I wasn't sure what to say she just contacted me so suddenly it's a little overwhelming. 

"Um...how are you?" I started 

"I'm good but apparently you aren't doing so well" she said looking seriously at me 

"Please Iris don't start I know you feel sorry for me the others where just trying to protect me it just doesn't change how I feel" I protested she rolled her eyes sighing heavily 

"It's always me, me, me with you isn't it you're acting like you're the only one suffering from Jonah's death I know I sound sensitive but you need to be told" she spoke sternly 

"Look it's not my fault that they are able to feel less guilty than I do" 

"You think they DON'T feel guilty Amber cried to me for hours when she found out blaming herself I decided to go over to be with her when I got there Tj was no better sobbing his heart out Cyrus he even tore up his baseball jersey saying he couldn't bear to look at it" Iris shivered remembering the moment.

I sat in deep thought and regret Iris was right of course she was. I hurt my friends accusing them of not caring when they cared all along it must of been harder on them because I isolated myself it was selfish and unthinking. 

"I know you Cyrus you want to do the right thing and get your friends back they're the only people that help you you in moving forward" she took my hands.

"I believe in you Buffy, Andi, Amber and Tj... ecspecially Tj believe in you the person that doesn't is you" 

I removed my hand haistly standing up and leaving the diner my mind clouded with thoughts I've been in the wrong this whole time my friends and family aren't the problem 

I am.


	9. Ghostin

I'm stuck.

All day I've been wrapped in my own inner turmoil. Iris was right I've been so selfish all they wanted to do was protect me and my feelings while they were suffering too. I love them all of them the bones of every one of them. Maybe I love one of them in a different way but he'll never speak to me again. None of them will.

I got home and I noticed the same flowers were at my door again when I reached my house. As if I wasn't feeling bad enough the sight just made me feel sick. Was this person tormenting me? Trying to make me feel worse than already do? That's impossible. I took them off the doorstep and took them to the only place I could in times of desperate need I've heard people turn to god or prayer because they can't find an answer. I've been praying to a higher power my life I was turning to the one person I knew I could still turn too.

I felt déjà vu as I ran my fingers across his name waiting for someone to come and to tell me it'll be alright tears ran down my face as I shook my head in disbelief. No one was showing up this time. Kneeling in front of his grave I prayed for a miracle

"Well come on then show yourself... I have no one left I need you" I said in desperation but nothing happened

"Yeah that's what I thought" I looked down in devastation

"Cyrus?"

I looked up still looking at the grave stone. It's not possible. A hand landed on my shoulder.

"Cyrus look at me"

The voice spoke I didn't want too I deserved to be alone for what I had done but I gave in turning around burying my face in his chest inhaling the familer scent of the same citrus scented cologne pouring out all my emotions forming some sort of apology

"It's okay shhh don't be sorry I've got you" Tj said calmly caressing my hair.

 *******  
Tj had insisted I come back to his house to calm down and too talk I say awkwardly on his couch if six months ago you had told me if be in this exact situation I would have called you crazy.

I feel like I'm the one going crazy.

"Here" he put a glass of water in my hand.

"Thanks" I smiled softly

"Cyrus I am so sorry okay I should have told you... there are a lot of things I wish I had told you" he claimed staring up at me with said puppy dog eyes.

I noticed a look in his green clouded expression it was wholesome...content somewhat pained and longing it's the same look I saw when I came out to Buffy the same look I saw when anytime I helped Jonah through a panic attack. It was sincere.

It was love. And Tj's had that look all along.

"Please don't be sorry I'm the one that should be sorry I acted like a baby and made it about me when everyone else was hurting too" I said tapping my fingers on the glass

"No one blames you I spoke to them they're not upset they know you're feeling a lot I promise when you're ready to talk they are ready to listen" his hand landed on mine I turned red.

"You said there were other things you wanted to tell me?" I reminded

"Y-yeah b-but it's not easy to just say" there's something I've never seen

Tj is nervous more importantly he's nervous to talk to me.

"I've always had this big speech planned of how I would do this and tell you all the amazing things I think you are and I'm cringing at myself saying all this believe me. But I... I've always wanted to know you I mean I do know you but I want to know Cyrus in a way I can be deeply connected with you feel the highs when you're happy and brown eyes light up and feel the lows when your sad and your whole face seems to fall which almost makes the world feel more depressing" he scoffed

I hated the fact that I seemed to cry I knew exactly what he was trying to say it's something I wish I had told my Bubbe Rose and Jonah. One half of me didn't want to believe it. The other half felt like he deserved better.

But a small part of me was saying that Tj is all I want and more.

"T-Tj you are amazing i-i don't want you to deal with my baggage you don't deserve it you've been so good to me please save yourself the trouble." I choked as more tears fell he only hushed me wiping them away carefully

"Cyrus we can get through this together I love you. And we are going to get past this yes it's heart-breaking when you cry over him but you're human as well. The best human I know I love every part of you"

I believed him. I believed every word. His gaze was captivating but it made me feel at home. For the first time in a while I felt less alone. He seemed to grow closer closer yet my eyes seemed to flutter like my heart as I felt his breath on my lips. Our feelings were confirmed it was a small kiss but it felt like a promise

 _I'm_ _not leaving you_


	10. Easy as pi

**Cyrus POV**

I walked to school clutching the straps of my back pack nervously. Tj may of forgiven me in more ways than one but Andi and Buffy have surely had it with me. I dread to think what would happen if they decide to not forgive me. I felt a tap on my shoulder and my face grew into a smile when I saw Tj coming next to me. But his vanished when he saw the worry on my face.

"Hey are you alright?" He asked nervously

"Yes I just... I don't think Andi and Buffy will forgive me so easily this time and I mean... what do I do without them there more like sisters to me" My voice got tense and Tj put a hand on my arm awkwardly

"W-what are you doing?" 

"Trying t-to hold your hand" He said sheepishly 

To calm his nerves I too his hand instead the smile on his face grows even bigger as he flushes red. 

"Did you know I was the one sending you flowers?" He asked. I scoffed lightly 

"Never would of guessed" I smiled

We reached the school. Anxiety started to bubble up inside of me I was wandering if it was too late to turn back but I couldn't I had to come back to school. 

"Do you want me to let go?" He asked as we got to the door

"No never" 

"I wasn't going to either way"

Tj opened the doors and everything was normal. Or as normal as it gets around here. No one laughed like I expected or made of fun us. A few stares but that's normal right? Andi and Buffy were at my locker as always like I never left waiting for me there eyes caught mine but neither were icy or looking at me with hatred. They were warm welcoming and filled with... love. 

"Cyrus it's good to see you look we are so sorry-" Andi started 

"No no I'm sorry you were standing by me this whole time and I lashed out again but you guys are my best friends and I love you please forgive me" I begged I felt pathetic but they simply smiled and brought me into a hug. My hand still latched onto Tj's.

"Of course Cyrus we'd always forgive you in a heartbeat and were happy for you two lovers" Buffy teased I could only blush and look down.

"It's a good thing you came back now before finals and all" Andi huffed 

Oh shit.

The only reason I came back too school in the first place was to help Tj study I got too caught up in my own emotional turmoil and now he might struggle.

"We're heading to class see you guys later" Andi and Buffy waved us goodbye

"Well that went well" Tj said brightly

"Yeah it did but about finals Tj I'm so sorry I forgot I was supposed to be tutoring you and you've been running around around looking after me I feel awful." 

"Don't really I was probably going to fail anyways" his tone of voice was dissapointed like he had already lost.

"No. When is your test?" I asked 

"Next Thursday." 

"That doesn't leave us with long but it's a challenge I'm willing to except I'm gonna help you pass Tj Kippen" I smiled widely 

I had a plan. 

**Tj's POV**

"Cyrus where are you taking me?" 

It was the end of the day and instead of going home Cyrus dragged me down the hall and we landed in an empty classroom.

"What are you-" I tried to ask but he cut me off

"Sit down" He gestured so I sat at the front desk 

"I think I know where I went wrong last time I just started teaching but I need to do it differently so I made it into something you made understand better" He took out this question on an angle 

"Okay can you work out what the angle _x_ is just by looking at it?"

"No" I said slightly embarrassed

"That's okay" He said softly "What if I said the angle was a basketball hoop and the full circle is 360 degrees. but at 315 degrees there are players on the opposite team so you can't shoot from there what angle would you shoot it from?" 

I thought for a few minutes and scribbled down what I hoped was correct

"45 degrees?" I asked unsure

"Yes that's right you can do it Tj" He said happily 

"I can do it" I repeated 

"I always knew you could" Cyrus smiled 

**1 week later**

My palms were sweating as I approached the classroom where I'd have my test Cyrus had worked tirelessly to make sure I could study properly I had done well but I was terrified of reading the numbers wrong. Cyrus insisted on walking me too the door too bad it'll be to watch me fail.

"You ready?" 

"Not even a little bit" 

"You'll do fine just remember this the number 21 is gay because 2 kind of looks like it's bending over for the 1" My eyes widened

"Wha- Cyrus!" 

"Good luck" He pushed me into the classroom 

I guess it's now or never.

**_After the test_ **

I couldn't get out of that classroom fast enough. Not because I thin I did badly because tests are awful but I actually don't think I failed horribly thanks to Cyrus.

What would I do without him?

"So how'd it go?" a voice asked me from behind smiling I engulfed Cyrus in the biggest hug I could give him.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you" I muffled into his shoulder 

"I'm guessing it went well then?" Cyrus chuckled "I'm proud of you I always knew you were clever, but if you know if you remembered what I told you before you went in that probably means you're dirty minded" 

"Or maybe you're just a good boyfriend" I smiled 

"Really? you didn't ask me"

"O-oh sorry I... I mean, Cyrus will you-" I stuttered out he hushed me and took my hand

"I'm kidding I like it... boyfriend" 

_I could used to this._


	11. Shoot your shot

**Cyrus's POV**

During my trip to London last summer me and my parents went on the London eye which was basically a ferris wheel but it was one if the biggest ones I'd ever seen. I was terribly anxious about going on it I didn't think we actually would it's just a tourist attraction one of the most popular in London. But we did get on I thought I was going to throw up the whole time but I went on the view was breath taking I saw Big Ben and Westminster where most government meetings were held it was relaxing to not be nervous anymore.

Now that finals were over I felt that same sense of relief. I spent a lot of time helping TJ I nearly forgot about myself but I did it and I felt that relief across my grade. It was lunch and we were all talking about how many days we had left and our summer plans and the big topic was our end of year formal.

If you asked me if I was going six months ago I would of laugh and said no. But now I'm dating TJ should I ask him? Will he ask me? Are we already going?

Something inside me was too scared to ask what if he didn't want to go?

"Okay guys this decision is important" Andi said showing us her phone swiping on the screen from left to right "necklace without the headband or headband without the necklace?"

Andi has bought her dress and was trying to accessorize correctly

"Just do both" Buffy said clearly tired of the conversation

"I can't it'll clash I don't want to be over the top"

"You do know it's a middle school formal not high school prom?" I asked her she just rolled her eyes stabbing a fork into her salad.

All of a sudden there were whispers around as someone came running through the cafeteria. This person blew a whistle getting everyone's attention and stood on a table. That person was Marty.

"Buffy Driscoll I don't usually make a fool of myself like this but I guess for you I would" He smiled "Now it's not fancy or elaborate but say you'll go to the formal with me?"

Buffy looked back at us her face filled with shock but also she was over the moon I could see it. She slowly walked up to him confidently trying to maintain composure.

"Marty you already know that you always make a fool of yourself" She laughed "but I would be a fool to say no to you I would love to go"

She hugged him and Marty squeezed her tight back as we erupted into applause. Maybe I should be asking TJ in a big way. But how?

**\---**

I was gathering a few things from my locker when I heard TJ call my name from the end of the hallway I turned to see him a little flustered.

"Hey I can't stay long but are you coming to my last game today?" He pleaded with his eyes for me to say yes

"I wouldn't miss it for the world" I tapped his nose.

Blushing he kissed my head bid 'farewell' and ran back down the hall.

**\---**

This was one of the most intense games I had ever watched.

Obviously the team was on edge and wanted to win there last game but we were one point behind with less than 3 minutes left. It would be crushing is they lost. The ball was passed around the court and we all cheered happily as our team made another basket. At least we're tied now

"God this is getting close only 1 minute 10 seconds left" Buffy said as she was studying the moves each person made in her head like she was the one playing.

The ball was dribbled by someone on our team and passed over to TJ with just 42 seconds on the clock.

"Ugh to make it would be impossible there's to many people blocking him" Buffy huffed frustrated

TJ made the same face he makes we he's doing a math problem he was calculating the moves in his head. The crowd held their breath with just under 30 seconds TJ dribbled the ball turning on his heel and jumping a little in the air to shoot it through the hoop.

It all happened in slow motion the ball going through the sound of the buzzer signalling the end of the game and the crowd bursting with joy and cheering widely for our team all of them sharing hugs high-fives and pats on the back.

Of course me and the girls were ecstatic then I notice TJ take a microphone getting the attention of the audience.

"Hey er... I have something I need to say." He started

A few members of the team came out in jackets and unzipped them each having a letter together is spelt out

_C-Y-R-U-S_

"Cy will you go to the formal with me?" TJ breathed out

I looked to the girls they pushed me to go up there. I ran down from my seat it was like something out of a movie the way he took me in his arms and spun me around. I pulled him in by the back of his head for a kiss that answered the question and was so soft and full of warmth we pulled away slowly.

"I'll take that as a yes" TJ said into the microphone. As the crowd cheered around us. 


	12. Just forget the world

"Just let me sort it out"

"No it's fine" I claimed smacking Buffy's hand away.

She still tried to lick her hand and fix my hair. I simply moved away from her I was already nervous enough. I was getting ready at Buffy's because her mom was going to drop us there we were just waiting for TJ. Marty and Andi since Bex insisted she help get her ready are going to meet us there.

Buffy took a step back looking at me pressing her hands too her mouth like a proud mother.

"You look so handsome look at you" she smiled adjusting my collar.

"Yes well you look beautiful" I complimented.

She wore a cute purple one strap dress going up to her knees topped with some silver heels. Her mom having done her hair up nicely.

"Did you think our end of middle school prom would be like this?" I asked

"What that you would be going to the prom with the guy that used to bully me or that one of our friends would be de-" she cut herself off

"Cyrus I'm sorry-" I put a hand up stopping her from talking.

"It's alright really I guess life just brings the unexpected" I told her she squeezed my shoulder

"Yeah I mean there was a time I thought my mom wouldn't be here for things like boyfriends or prom..." she shrugged

It was my turn to squeeze her shoulder she laid her hand on mine. The door bell rang and my nervous instantly returned.

"D-do I look okay? How's my breath?"

"Cyrus relax you're the only person who doesn't know how great you look" she scoffed

We went downstairs to Buffy's mom opening the door. TJ smiled walking in he looked amazing himself a crisp dark blue suit going well with his eyes his hair flopped forward a little instead of gelled which made him look even better. He stopped to look at me with soft eyes his mouth gaped open a little.

"You look... way too good for me" he laughed

"Told you" Buffy nudged

I bit my lip as he took my hands. As we savoured the moment.

"Sorry to interrupt but can I get some photos before we leave?" Buffy's mom asked.

Me and Buffy took a few pictures as did TJ until he got bored and asked if we could leave before the night actually ends. I looked out the window in peace as we rode there TJ my hand the whole way. It was pleasant.

As we arrived and got out the car was saw Marty and Andi waiting outside. I can see why Bex wanted Andi to get ready there she looked incredible yellow dress patterned with flowers tight around her her hair has grown a lot longer and Bex straightened so it parted in the middle perfectly. Marty already rushed to give Buffy a hug telling her how stunning she looked while she was a blushing mess.

"Hey Andi" I greeted

"Hi look at you two the suits are nice" she beamed

"Look at us look at you" I said she smiled turning around

"Sorry you didn't get to go with anyone" TJ said

"It's fine I can have a great time with my friends" she said

"Well my sister would of gone with you but high schoolers weren't allowed" TJ winked only for Andi to look away blushing.

We went in for our what usually would be our gym to be decorated beautifully in blue and white. Lights everywhere. With music booming out of all the speakers everyone enjoying themselves.

"What do we do first?" Andi says

"I don't know it's like you get here and you don't weather to sit down dance or anything" Marty said

"I vote we dance so that I can beat so of you" Buffy shouts already making her way to the dance floor

"Bet" Marty shouts chasing after her.

We all dance for a little it wa fun being able to dance with my friends and enjoy life. That makes me sound like I'm eighty or something but I haven't been able to have fun like this in forever. Let me live a little.

"I'm parched anyone want any punch?" Andi huffed. Everyone nodded but I went to help her.

"So you having fun?" she asked me

"Yes for the first time in ages I am it feels like... everything's just right" she smiled brightly happy for me.

We got the punch and sat at a table laughing together. I fiddled with my cup thinking about the one person that should be here.

"You alright?" TJ asked me putting a hand on my knee

"Yeah just tonight feels like old times but it's new times and..." my friends gave me an encouraging look TJ put am arm around me.

"and I'm excited to see where the next stage in life takes us I think everything happens for a reason and this turned out be awesome really but still" I raised my glass "cheers to new beginnings and absent friends"

We clinked our cups together taking in a special moment between our group at that moment I knew that we were going to be just fine. A slow song came on and TJ stood up from his seat dusting himself off.

"May I have this dance?" He grinned I took his hand excepting.

_We'll do it all_   
_Everything_   
_On our own._

TJ pulled me close to him his hands on my waist as my arms went around his neck 

_If I lay here_   
_If I just lay here_   
_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

In that moment all I could see was him and he was looking at me. He is so beautiful. Our lives went in slow motion it was perfect.

_All that I am_   
_All that I ever was_   
_Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see_

He pulled me closer if that was even possible I rested my head on his shoulder. Feeling his chest rise and fall as we continued swaying. 

_If I lay here_   
_If I just lay here_   
_Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

I came away from him slowly and leant up to kiss him it was passionate and made me feel like a cloud that was in the sky floating with nothing but pure bliss around me as everyone else melted away. As we parted TJ was smiling so much I think his face must hurt pretty bad by now. 

"You know I'm pretty tired of the standard school prom experience wanna go somewhere?" He asked 

"Where did you have in mind?" 

It was night fall stars shone brightly reflecting of TJ's deep green eyes. Our hands forever bonded together as wondered round our school field. He pulled me towards this tree and sat under it gesturing me to do the same. Laughing a little I did so leaning my head against this shoulder as his head rested on top of mine. We were in peaceful silence as we watched the stars twinkle above us. 

"I-I'm sorry Cyrus" I heard TJ stutter I looked up to see him red nosed and teary.

"What are you sorry for?" I asked concerned 

"I promised I would look after you make sure you never blamed yourself. I failed" he whispered tears escaping his eyes I wiped them away with my thumb

"Who did you promise?" I asked 

He opened his mouth then closed it hesitantly he pulled an envelope from his pocket it was addressed to me. I opened it started reading. My breathing hitched several times at the words and shaky penmanship tears making there way down my face. 

"D-did you get one?" I asked. He nodded 

"He asked me to take of you" he shook his head "some friend I am huh?" He said I put a hand on his jaw making him face me.

"You did not fail TJ I'm here because of you and I am so thankful he would be proud" I told him 

"Yeah proud of you... I'm proud of you" he breathed 

I put my head back on his shoulder holding the letter close to my chest smiling widely and we ended up back in comfortable silence letting ourselves live in this moment. 


	13. Recovery/acceptance

"Honestly it was just the perfect night... I wish you could've been there... we graduated today hence the cap and gown... I hope you're proud I'll always make you proud... TJ's waiting for me I'll talk later I love you and miss you"

Leaving Jonah's grave I had a sudden lightness about me like I've accepted what has happened and now I'm appreciating how far it's taken me. I don't if any of this would of happened without it.

TJ waited outside I took his hand which he held out for me.

"You good?" He checked

"I'm great" I confirmed.

"Well we better get to the spoon everyone's waiting for us as middle school graduates" he beamed

As we walked I started thinking. The universe took Jonah away from me forcing me into this grieving spiral. But it led to me TJ it always had good intentions. I've been looking for a single moment in life that will set me on the right path. There's a version of my life where I don't recover from greif. A version where Jonah isn't dead. There's even a version without TJ in it. If I've learnt anything it's that I have to appreciate that I got this life.

I'll only get one after all.

We reach the spoon TJ puts his hand on the door handle.

"You ready for the rest of our lives?" He teased

"Too the rest of our lives" I smiled

As we walk in and I'm holding tightly onto the TJ's hand I prepare for the moment to move on from the past. The feeling of relief when I'm finally able to let go.

**The end.**


	14. Prologue before the prolouge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading I love you :))

**T/W-suicide**

A dark blue sky raged across town people laughing in amusement as the party goers started to come out at night mocking the lonely boy sitting by the lake. cold weather and soft chills blew a few of the leaves that were left from the ground into the lake due to the winter season. His eyes were a dull green they used to be very vibrant some would say like emeralds or spring grass full of life and happiness now they were dull clouded with conserved feelings regret and 2 years worth of pain that's enough to break a man. Which it practically has. his brown hair breezing in the winter air eyeing the water he slowly removed his converse dipping his feet into the water it was freezing as suspected it send shivers through his body and goosebumps up his arms. He stared blankly out his mind reeling and his dull eyes filling with tears but he wouldn't allow himself to cry he didn't deserve to it was his fault everything was. The failed relationships. His family situation which was resolved but he never lived down the guilt. all the events he's ruined with his panic attacks. They fact his friends where probably doing something all together without him because he pushed them all away. They would rest easy laugh together be happy all because he was able to respond with a simple:

_"I'm really busy I can't make it maybe next time"_

_"Don't worry I'm fine"_

He comes to the lake every night willing himself not to cry but this regret and guilt had been eating away at him for months to the point he wasn't alive he was just awake which as the days went by he didn't want to be. everyone notices the sudden change in mood which makes him feel bad that they worry he doesn't deserve them they don't deserve him for sure. His mind knew what he wanted to do but he beckoned himself to not do it here in the early dusk evening in a freezing lake that would be frozen over in a matter of days. he took his feet out they were numb like everything else. Not caring about the cold dampness dripping from his toes he put his shoes and socks back on going home to the normal atmosphere not joyous but not miserable either his mom in the kitchen dad still at work.

_They are gonna manage better without him anyways_

His mom asked if he was hungry he shook his head no she came forward putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Honey are you okay? you seem a little out of it"

Okay? Okay?? he doesn't even remember what it's like to be okay.

"Yeah I'm okay mom" Jonah said barley going above a whisper

Jonah headed upstairs to his room closing the door behind him taking his phone off charge viewing on his text messages photos Andi sent to him of his friends that night they had gone to see a firework display at a fun fair a picture of Andi, Buffy and Amber posing under some colourful lights at a booth another picture portrayed Tj and Marty laughing about something. His phone rang with a call from Cyrus.

 _"Hey Jo_ _I_ _was_ _just_ _calling to check up on you why_ _didn't_ _you_ _come tonight" Cyrus said_

_"O-oh hey_ _I_ _um..._ _wasn't_ _feeling well" Jonah uttered_ _barley going over a whisper_

_"Alright well_ _I'll_ _still see_ _you_ _tomorrow right?" Jonah envied his_ _happiness_

_"Er...goodnight Cyrus" He said quickly dodged his question_

_"Oh_ _night_ _then"_

_"I love you I-i-i mean_ _your_ _like my best friend" he stuttered_

_"Aw love_ _you_ _too"_

Jonah got rid of the pass code on his phone so it could be unlocked with just a gentle swipe leaving it turned on. He placed it on his bedside table wiping his eyes as much as he could before returning downstairs. His mom was quick to fall asleep in front of the TV she must of had a long day Jonah hurried to the kitchen not daring to make a sound opening the medicine cabinet to different pills and pots asthma inhalers for his mother.

_He hoped she would still be able to cope with it_

He finally laid eyes on a small bottle with the label _Metformin_ breathing heavily he swiped it and poured a glass of water and proceeded up to his room but at the foot of the stairs he took a final look at his mother placing his items at the foot of the stairs he took a blanket placing it over his sleeping mother she looked so content and peaceful he hoped she would still be able to sleep afterwards. He planted a soft kiss on her head moving her hair out the way a little a tear fell from his face onto hers

"I love you" He whispered stuttering

He took his items and went on up the stairs a little slower taking in his surroundings then opening his door slowly closing it putting the water and the pills on the table next to his phone he slumped at his desk pulling out paper and a pen beginning to find the words to write it all felt cliche but he wasn't sure what to do he felt this might be a little closure for them.

_Dear Mom & _ _Dad_

_I wanna start off with saying I love you. After this it may seem like I don't but I do very much thanks to you guys I've gotten to know my small part of the world I know you have a million questions wondering where you went wrong what you could've done better but there is_ _absolutely nothing else you could've done for me you made me laugh when I was sad you make me feel special like I'm the only boy in the world. I'm sorry you're both beautiful people that deserve a better son I want you move on those are my wishes_

_I'm always gonna be you're boy,_

_Love Jonah x_

Taking a deep breath sealing the letter Jonah moved on to the next letter.

_Dear Andi_

_I guess you can say that you're the better B.E.E.F out of the two of the too of us. You're stronger smarter and the best at giving second chances. I truly appreciate every smile bit of advice and bracelet you've ever given me you've shaped me in so many ways. I'm sorry I let you down made you upset and dissapointed you I know I have I hope you find someone anyone special who can treat you better than I did._

_You rock Andiman,_

_Love Jonah x_

Tears spilt onto each letter but Jonah steadied his breathing continuing

_Dear Buffy,_

_Remember when you told me that you promised you're mom you would remain strong every time she got deployed? and we had that arm wrestling competition? Well now it's my turn to go away and I'm sorry for that you have every right to be angry with me. But I want you to promise me this you'll continue to be your confident funny and loyal self and break stereotypes showing all the jocks who's boss also please don't be strong it's okay to not be which is ironic coming from me but I'm don't have capability anymore so I hope you'll be better than me._

_Keep slaying Buffy,_

_Love Jonah x_

_Dear Tj & Amber _

_we've all had a rocky relationship but this isn't about that. You two are have been there through the lowest point in my life actually make that second lowest. Despite us not having the best history you were hospitable and took pity on me which I felt like I didn't deserve you saw me through one of my my roughest times Tj you saw me through two of them and for that I'm forever grateful. Amber again I'm so so so sorry I know you don't like me saying it but I needed to say it I know that you were insecure the first time around and I also played with your feeling the second time I was such a shitty boyfriend. But I'm so thankful I got the opportunity to be your friend. Tj look after Cyrus make sure he doesn't blame himself._

_You're my favourite siblings_

_Love Jonah x_

Jonah's hands shook violently he had saved this person till last the guy he would be letting down most the guy that always stuck his neck out for him. The one that would suffer most from all this. His best friend that he would be hurting.

_Dear Cyrus_

_Where do I even start? I'm so sorry I failed you I've let you down you've helped me every time I needed you never once did you hesitate. I never did anything for you. I'm sorry for hurting you forgive me please. understand I am at peace now but promise me you won't blame yourself because Cy you did everything you could. I told you before your bar mitzvah that we could go skateboarding together? Well think of this wherever I am I'm waiting for you with that skateboard when it's your time which I hope is not for many years you and me that's the first thing we will do be sure to get Tj to teach you first though._

_Keep being you Cy thank you,_

_Love Jonah x_

Jonah let a sob escape his lips as he hid his hands in his face he hadn't stopped crying despite not wanting to. The letters where left sealed on his desk addressed to each person intended for. Jonah changed opened his window before sitting on his bed he noticed a picture of him Andi, Buffy and Cyrus at the Shiva that day forever had a special place in his heart. His eyes started dry up almost running out of tears he took the framed picture to his chest closing his eyes taking a deep breath and sitting on his bed tracing over each face.

_At least they can go back to normal_

setting the picture to one side Jonah shakily picked up the bottle opening it dropping two into his hand backing them into his mouth and gulping them down. He repeated this again popping two pills into his hand putting them in his mouth drinking water and sealing his fate tears had returned to his face but he smiled. He hadn't properly smiled in months. over and over he repeated the nerve wrecking cycle that would soon end the pain, Burden he'd been carrying around for ages. finally he got to his last two as they went down his throat Jonah's thoughts went to every second he spent with his family friends wondering if they'll forget him. No. He knew they wouldn't having finished he put the empty bottle and glass with the letters and climbed into bed.

He felt sick. An overwhelming feeling of emotions and dizziness. he put his head down the weight being unbearable. His muscles aching as the minutes that went on felt like hours. breathing became difficult the world was going in and out of focus and the corners got darker he sweating but he still had covers over him knowing it would soon be over. He felt as if he was losing his senses the only thing that he holding onto was the framed photo that he clung tightly to his chest. His phone buzzed the group chat was being texted.

**Cyrus:** _goodnight guys sleep well <3_

**Andi:** _Nite xxx_

**Buffy** : _Sweet dreams x_

 **Tj:** _Night budz_

**Marty:** _Night my dudes_

**Jonah:** _bye_

With the last few ounces of strength Jonah had left in his body he hit send. The noises of buzzing slowly faded as he caved and let darkness take over.

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to a Tyrus angsty story:))


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